Part, The First

Decided today that I was going to try this blogging thing. My thoughts probably wont always be in any exact order so I apologize to anyone who actually reads this. I'll try to stop rambling and see if I can figure out an actuall topic to stay focused on.

I think I'll start with my recent diagnosis. It isn't exactly "recent" per say, but it's recent enough; anyways, a few months ago I was diagnosed with an immeasurable amount of depression. I say immeasurable because I can never really put a gauge to it whenever I feel an episode coming on and my doctor isn't the smartest guy around. That's really the reason I started this blog thingy, yes I used the word "thingy", deal with it...I decided to try and find an outlet for my emotional instability and this was my first idea. I don't really get my feelings across very well in person, so it's hard for me to describe what I'm feeling vocally. I haven't been able to write anything except what Mrs. Boyd forced us to write for the past eight months, and I'm trying to get back into it. As of now the book I was working on before this new demon entered my life is at a complete stand-still and is in complete shambles. I think once college starts I'll try to start working on that again and get some chapters up for people to read.

Sometimes it feels like I'm completely alone. I wake up, look at my phone and I've got no new messages from anyone. It would be nice to know that someone's thinking about me every once in a while, but I suppose that's too much to ask for. I could go an entire day without anyone ever saying a word to me. Perhaps if I had someone who just absolutely overjoyed to be my friend, then I wouldn't always feel this way.

It's as if I were Frankenstein's Monster, without all of the body parts that are stitched together. Wandering around without anyone by my side, nobody to speak with or console, and treated as if I don't belong. These feelings have been hurting me for a long time, and they've made me fall short in my relationship with God in the past few months. I never know which days are going to be better than the others or which days will be worse. I've felt so ashamed from all the hatred and anger that I've felt and it makes it difficult for me to call on God and ask for help. I know He's with me and will never leave me, but my demons continually make me feel alone. I'm hoping that going to Chrysalis in a few weeks will help me regain the the pieces of my relationship with Him that I've lost, and I pray that my mind and heart will be made much more clear and become less hardened and hateful. Please pray for me.

I don't know if blogging is my outlet yet, but I'll give it a few more tries after this and see how I feel. I have a thousand other things running through my mind right now, but I'll save those for other posts that I'll make, so I guess I'll get outa here for now.